Aspergers Syndrome and Relationships

This page is for Aspies, the rest of you please click off now.
Aspies have problems with social interaction, and personal relationships are usually a disaster. It is hard to get exact figures, but from what I can glean at least 80% of Aspergers persons never get married or have a long-term relationship.

Assistance

Dr Isabelle Henault is working with Tony Attwood, and specialises in relationship and sexuality issues for Aspergers.
See Jessica Kingsley publishers - there are several books written specially for Aspergers in married relationships.

Hormones

First we need to understand what love is, and then it will be clear why Aspergers people have a problem. There are several types of "love".

Infatuation - Dopamine is at work here, responsible for the euphoricia and high of falling in love. This state is a form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). However, falling-in-love is a socially acceptable OCD, and normally it doesn't last too long. The Dopamine high is similar to that delivered by drugs such as Opium, and some people seem more susceptible to get hooked on this as their principle form of pleasure or reward. Endorphines are also released by the body in response to certain activities - hard physical activity such as the "runners high" (which is still not wholly accepted by the medical profession), or inflicting controlled pain such as cutting ones skin with a knife, or self-flaggulation. EMOs get caught up in this, and BDSM sexual practices are also linked to these hormones. They are very powerful and can compel a person to do just about anything, but this results in highly unstable mood swings and long term can have adverse affects on health and wellbeing.

Stable relationship - a couple falling in love start hugging, kissing, and engage in sex. The Dopamine level drops and Oxytocin and Vasopressin takes over. Oxytocin is important for the establishment of bonding and trust, and in combination with Vasopressin it appears to help in the formation of memory of the partner, facilitating a life-long relationship. Ideally, the rush of Dopamine leads a couple to engage in sex, and from there Oxytocin takes over. It is not as powerful as the wild Dopamine high, but leads to stability of relationships and general happiness in life. Withdrawal symptoms are still experienced when couples part for a while, but not as badly at the Dopamine withdrawal pangs which is like a drug addict going cold turkey. Medical understanding is still improving on this front, and currently much of the work on Oxytocin and Vasopressin has been with prairie voles. However, it does appear that Oxytocin functions differently in Autistics.

Meditation - we are all programmed to pursue a "pleasure" hormone. If we don't "feel good" about life we will do something else. This naturally leads us during the early years of life to form friendships, pursue careers, etc. that are in accordance with how we "feel good". People who don't feel good will change jobs, relationships, travel or turn to drugs or alcohol or other things to stimulate whatever it is chemically in their body that makes them feel happy or contented. A key hormone in the body is Serotonin. Depression treatment often involves drugs like Ritalin which targets Seratonin production. During the infatuation stage, Serotonin levels are very low and this results in obsessive thinking about one subject (the person with whom one is in love with). When a person in a stable relationship is alone, the falling Serotonin levels causes them to seek out other company - this can lead to "unfaithfulness", a man will seek to embrace and have sex with another woman to get his Oxytocin levels back to normal. Just how faithful he will be may depend on how well Vasopressin has stamped the image of his partner in his mind - where the hormone levels were low the prairie voles displayed less attachment to their original partners. It all starts to sound as though we are pre-programmed robots, and to a certain extent we are. Serotonin levels definitely seem to be awry in Autistics - low Serotonin levels associated with the special interests that they pursue. Meditation increases levels of Serotonin, and can result in a person obtaining a feeling and a stable state of well-being happiness - by oneself. High Serotonin will inhibit a person falling in love (Dopamine) or being interested in romantic love (Oxytocin). The "high" of Serotonin is much lower than that of Dopamine or Oxytocin, but is very stable - the term "contended" is probably the most appropriate.

Why an Aspie has problems with relationships

An NT is pre-programmed at birth to form relationships. The hormonal systems in their bodies demand it, otherwise they will be unhappy. The oxytocin relationship must be continually fed with words, actions, movements and touches between the partners to reinforce the flow of hormones in each other. It is a feedback loop and it is very powerful. It has been used to breed animals on this planet for millions of years, and has been successful in creating a population of billions of violent and unpredictable human beings!

In Aspergers, the hormone systems do not seem to work the same way. Aspergers fall in love with other things such as their special interest. "Falling in love" means that the same hormones start flowing in their body that NTs experience when they form relationships. Whilst a couple's infatuation may last only a few months, the Aspergers infatuation can last a lifetime. Unfortunately this is not "socially acceptable" to NTs. It is virtually impossible for an Aspie to take part in the oxytocin feedback dance that holds most couples together. This happens for ordinary people like riding a bike or learning to swim - it just happens. Aspies learn to do things by observation, thinking, and copying. It isn't possible to learn the intracies of courtship. Of course, it is possible for a couple to marry and live together without a strong oxytocin bond, and many Aspergers do marry and have children. This requires a very understanding non-Aspie partner.

History shows that some of the greatest geniuses had strong autistic traits. Maybe this is one of the reasons the human race has been so successful. 99.5% of the population built to breed, and a small percentage of eccentrics who focus their energies in other pursuits which result in the occasional genius who advances the human race in the arts, music, literature or sciences.

In short, NTs form relationship because they need to. Aspergers don't form relationships with people because they don't need to. However, they may still be subjected to Dopamine and Oxytocin fluctations through interaction with other people which can result in varying mood levels and depression. A stable Serotonin level will assist in living a contented life. I have heard that microdoses of Ritalin assist some Aspies to live a semi-normal life. Meditation can be a useful tool for others.

Mirrors

Human interaction and relationships often involve attraction of similarities or opposites. This is a fascinating topic, and is not well understood. When you bring a north and south pole of two magnets together there is a strong attractive force - is this a case of opposites attracting (ie north pole to south pole), or a demonstration of how likeness attracts (ie two pieces of iron are being brought together)? Plato examined this subject in one of Socrates' dialogues. I wanted to briefly mention the Seven Essene Mirrors of relationships (reference Greg Braden, Walking Between Worlds, page 99 onwards). They deal with how you perceive others and how others perceive you. When you feel something which mirror are you experiencing? A summary of the 7 mirrors is given below. This material is very practical and of use to Aspies because they mirrors that they respond to are often different from the mirrors that NT's act upon.

Reflections of the moment - this is where people reflect back to you how you are acting, eg if you have repressed anger that you are trying not to express, people closest to you will do things specifically to get you angry. They are showing you what you are (Nickelback song, "This is how you remind me ...").
Reflections of judgment - this is where people reflect back to you the opposite of what you are. If you are generous and open and trusting, you may attract people who are the exact opposite who will take advantage of you. They are showing you the opposite of what you are.
Reflections of loss - this is where you are attracted to a person who has something that you feel is lacking in yourself. They have the opposite of what you want. Simple examples, a short woman is attracted to a tall man; a 60 year old man to a 18 year old woman. In reality this attraction can be more subtle and easily missed.
Reflections of your most forgotten love - often tied up with addiction, this is where you act in such to express or to try to regain that which you love most dearly. For Aspies this can be your special interests. The most forgotten love is not for the interest itself, it is an addiction at a more subtle level.
Reflections of Father / Mother / Creator - this is more esoteric, dealing with your relationship to the creator / universe, and how you see your role and purpose in life. This relates to your general outlook on life, and how you expect people to react towards you.
Reflections of your quest into darkness - this is like facing your greatest fear or phobia, such as described in the Dark Night of the Soul. I don't believe that everyone goes through this experience in their lives. For those that do it is a life-changing period.
Your greatest act of compassion - this is how you act in your life towards others, your own life conduct and life expression. Essentially, this is how you see your own purpose in life and what you choose to give others in relationships and social interactions.