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Tips for the Aspie in an NT (neuro-typical) world

This page is for the information of those with Asperger's. The rest of you - click off now!
Also check out Marc Segar's survival guide.

Check out the other pages for guidance with Relationships and Bullying.

Remember that Aspies are different and there is a positive side to this.  There is a different set of rules that you live by, and compared to NTs:  "with great power comes great responsibility".

Life Balance

Most Aspie's live a life of routine.  Indeed, routine is important for proper balance in life, which leads to happiness and good health.

This doesn't mean that life has to be boring.  A proper routine includes variety, but ensures that basic physical needs are attended to and nothing is omitted that is likely to lead to problems during interactions with others.  I like to model the human being in the categories shown below.  Review these areas, and ensure that an appropriate amount of time is spent on each every day.  Unfortunately, attention to the physical body takes up a lot of time - we need to eat, sleep and wash every day and this chews up precious time.

Physical 60% 15 hours a day

Sleeping, eating, washing and cleanliness
(Includes cleaning the house and home maintenance)
Work
Relaxation
Exercise
Sexual activity

Emotional 10% - 20% 3 - 5 hours a day Relationships
Social contact with friends
Reading, listening to music, visiting art galleries
Some hobbies
Mental 10% - 20% 3 - 5 hours a day Some work activities
Writing, doing research
Special interests and hobbies
Spiritual 5% optional 1 hour a day Meditation, church

Physical - NTs spend the majority of their time with Physical and Emotional activities.  Aspies can fall out of balance by spending too much time on Mental activities at the expense of Physical.  Attention to the physical means adequate sleep, proper diet, washing, getting haircuts, medical needs, looking after the house and car, etc.  A great deal of energy goes in to maintaining the physical body in good condition.  However, this also means relaxation - whatever works for you (watching tv, reading magazines, sitting outside on the steps looking at the sky ...).  Exercise is also important - if you can't do it every day then allocate time at the weekend to make up the balance.

Emotional - NTs satisfy this need through friends, family and other social contact. Church attendance satisfies the emotional need rather than spiritual need in most people.  I'm not convinced that Aspies have the same level of emotional needs as NTs.  It can be satisfied through art, music, reading and some hobbies.  Caring for animals also works.

Mental - this is where many Aspies can get their lives out of balance.  Too much time spent in mental activity.  Spending 8 - 12 hours a day in mental activity is too much.  Note the approximate time allocation in the table above and limit your time accordingly.  Examination of the lives of many NTs reveal that they spend very little time each week pursing mental interests and exercising the brain. 

Spiritual - going to church is not spiritual activity (emotional). Nor is Yoga (physical).  Spiritual activity means prayer, contemplation or meditation.  This is optional - a good life balance between physical, emotional and mental is perfectly adequate for a happy life.  You probably already know if you require spiritual nourishment.

Being grounded.   Grounding is essential for proper life balance.  Many of the social activities people engage in are designed to do precisely the opposite - parties, chatting, coffee, alcohol, etc.  They lead to an emotional high, and this is fine if you integrate emotionally with other people.  Being grounded means being in touch with reality; present; here in the moment (as Buddhists would say).  That means no chatter going in the head, no urgent need to say or do anything, just simply being present and observing.  In my opinion, this is the single most important thing for any Aspie to do.  Until you start seeing what is actually going on any behavioural modifications you make may be flawed.  There are a lot of different grounding strategies (see the information here, based on the book "A Farther Shore") and what works for one person may not work for another.  It is a gradual process likely to take many years.  This is the most important thing to do - until you do so, observations, reasoning, decisions and actions are likely to be based on incorrect information and lead to unpredictable results.

Get organised.   Establish a routine to remove the stress associated with the daily housekeeping tasks.  Getting to work, lunch, cleanliness, etc.  Make lists if this helps.  Take no notice of ridicule from NTs who manage perfectly well without lists, without a routine, and who love spontaneity.  Leading such a life will soon result in exhaustion and fatigue. 

Do things that make you happy.  NTs generally do what they want to do most of the time, because it makes them happy.  When they see you unhappy they will encourage you to do the things they do that make them happy.  But the things that Aspies enjoy can be the exact opposite of what the NT person enjoys.  This can be very confusing, especially for young people.  Most NTs will probably never understand what makes an Aspie tick.  Interacting with other people is usually going to be compromise on the part of the Aspie.   Sometimes NTs go on "team building" courses and do things that get them "out of their comfort zone".  Aspies are out of their comfort zone most of the time.  It is important to get into your comfort zone some of the time, and do what you want to do.  You can't follow your special interest all of the time, you must compromise; but make sure you do it at least some of the time.  Include some activities each day which result in relaxation and make you happy.

Contact with other People

Shut up.  It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and prove it.  NT's can go around talking thoughtlessly about silly things and it's all fine because non-verbal communication is going on at the same time.  Aspies can't do this.  I know NTs appear to be talking endlessly about trivial subjects or things that interest them, but when Aspies start talking about what interests them the rules are different.  It is better to be silent in social situations.  If somebody wishes to initiate conversation with you they will, and then it is fine to talk until they get bored and go off and talk to someone else.  Have a few things up your sleeve - some topical news item or sports event usually works well.

Gaining an understanding of other people.  I found reading Aspergers books useful because in describing the unusual behaviour of the AS person, they were also describing how people were expected to react - that which is "normal" for NTs.  NT's expect everyone to act and react in certain ways.  This expected behaviour is not written down or taught anywhere, because it just happens naturally for them.  Books and web pages are now appearing that provide elucidation for Aspies into the mysteries of social interaction and "normal" behaviour.  This is a long process of observation and acquiring information.  Questioning is not always a good strategy - better to go to Google and do a web search.  The strategy should be to understand people so that you can modify your own behaviour accordingly, but make no assumption that other people will understand you.  Make the necessary allowances on the basis that most people will never be able to understand you. 

Advice.  Don't offer advice to others unless asked for - wait for the situation to present itself.  Here the strengths and weaknesses of the Aspie collide.  When somebody has a problem within the Aspies field of expertise you may know exactly what to do.  NT's are different.  Even if they do know what to do, they are so busy caught up in their own lives that they may hardly give a thought to another persons difficulties.  Their assumption is that if the other person wants help, they will ask.  This is important.  If they want assistance from you they will ask.  When NTs seek advice they will often speak to a number of people before making their mind up about taking a course of action.  Asking you for advice does not necessarily mean they want you to drop everything and do it for them.  NTs often speak to many people, make up their mind about something and then do the wrong thing.  This isn't your fault.  It is part of their learning process.  The NTs course of action is likely to be heavily influenced by relationships with other people, politics, relationships and their own emotional state.  An Aspie can often make a much clearer, unbiased, emotionally attached decision about something.  But you are only responsible for your own life, and you should not force your judgement on others.  If asked for advice, give it and leave it there.  If you aren't asked for advice, do not get involved.

Leadership positions.  Whilst Aspies are eminently capable of assuming positions of responsibility, being in charge of people (ie line manager position) is probably not suitable for the majority of Aspies.

Developing a Buffer

The different hormonal and chemical balance of Aspies means that most are less able to filter out the distractions and disturbances of everyday life. NTs thrive on this - after work they go down to a noisy pub to "chill out".  For many Aspies, surviving the day means starting out with whatever "buffer" you can to battle through the events of the day.  Serotonin is the key.  A good nights sleep is a good start.  Meditation can work for some.  For others the Serotonin balance can be assisted through medications (such as Ritalin).

Noise.  You can buy sports earplugs from chemists which provide a worthwhile attenuation of distractions, and also useful for sleeping in unfamiliar places.  At work it is often acceptable to play music from iPod/MP3 players through earphones, to drown out noisy co-workers and their irritating cellphone ring tones.

Plan for non-dependence.  The social difficulties experienced by the Aspie means that most will not be able to rely on extended family or social networks.  I use the term non-dependence rather than independent, as independence is viewed negatively by society.  I simply mean taking responsibility for yourself:  financially, health-wise, learn how to cook and clean, drive a car, etc.

When children annoy you.  Scenario - you are at the cinema, on a train or on a plane, and behind you a child is kicking the seat, talking, crying, or engaged in some other activity which is irritating.  This is a very difficult situation and hard to deal with, even for NTs.  It is the parents responsibility to control children.  However, the parent(s) may already be in a stressed state and likely to snap at you if you confront them.  If a child is annoying you, the simplest and most effective way of dealing with this is to move seats, if this is possible.  Just get right out of there.  If this isn't possible, turn and check out the emotional state of the parents - a judgment call is required here.  Sometimes a very polite request to the parent(s) may correct the matter, but I would be very cautious about doing so.  If you have any doubts, don't.  It is not permissible to talk angrily to the child or react in any way to whatever they are doing.  If it doesn't seem that approaching the parents will work, on an aeroplane or in a restaurant it is best to make a request to the waiter/hostess and let them deal with the parents - they are trained in dealing with difficult people and also able to relocate you if that is the best option.  In other cases you will just have to put up with it.  Carry earplugs when travelling.  Remember - any sort of angry or emotional reaction from the Aspie is not acceptable.

Interpreting other people - when people say ...

© In the Light, 17 September, 2009 , Disclaimer, Son of Suckerfish drop-downs from HTML dog